You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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