Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
