Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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