I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
