At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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