My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
