This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
