if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
