At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize