i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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