And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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