You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
