If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
You are a genius and a whore.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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