Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
