Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
