I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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