New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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