Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
