Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
the room spins SO much faster in panama
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
