Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
