I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
