I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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