I'd wear matching sweaters with you
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize