DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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