I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
