He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
