I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
