Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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