it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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