11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
