The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He better not be in your backpack
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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