Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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