Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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