I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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