He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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