I love black thongs
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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