My Higher Power is John Stamos
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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