i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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