Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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