We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize