nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
