you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
