I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Hippo gnu deer
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
