Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
