I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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