she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
that is very illegal...i love you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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