ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
