u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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