I used to practice getting hit by cars.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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