Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
