i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
