I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
