Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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