what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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