So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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