So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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