hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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