You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
