Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
