Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
